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Clingy Companions

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*Update* I've recently started writing a blog that takes a look at mental illness and how to cope from a Christian perspective. Curious? Check it out: findinghopecatholic.wordpress.…

*sigh*...I hate doing self portraits. Yeah. That's me. The one that looks human lol.

This is basically a reworking of my old Bipolar Disorder picture. Of course, this time I've used my characters Mania and Despair, who are OCs inspired by the two different sides of my bipolar disorder. The two of them show up in my Fullmetal Alchemist fanfiction By Affliction of Emotion. In contrast to the old picture, I'm no longer struggling to keep them held at arms length. I've resigned myself to the fact that they enjoy cuddling (figuratively speaking), and no amount of medication is going to keep me completely stable and symptom free. Believe me, they aren't fun cuddle buddies. Although, I prefer Mania to Despair... 
After the last year and a half I've come to the conclusion that 'stable' is a place where horses live, and not a term which can be used to describe my emotional state. ^^;

Is it healthy that I've personified my mental illness in these two characters? I'm not sure...but it helps me cope. It's easier to place in a neat little box when I can give it a face and it serves to remind me that, just like having the flu, having bipolar episodes does not define who I am. Keeping that in mind helps me avoid beating myself up over my reduced ability to function during episodes. I wouldn't expect myself to run a marathon with a severe chest cold. It isn't realistic to expect myself to be able to be mentally focused and organized in the throws of mania, or expect myself to be energized and productive in the middle of a depressive episode. It can be terribly frustrating when things you know you can accomplish without a hitch when you're stable, suddenly turn into enormous hurtles in the midst of an episode. Managing your expectations helps avoid disappointment and allows you to be less hard on yourself when your disability prevents you from functioning as a normal individual would be able to function in the same position. It also lets you plan ahead. Don't fall behind on homework when you're feeling good, because you sure as hell wont be able to catch up when you're feeling awful again later lol.

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© 2014 - 2024 okbrightstar
Comments6
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Contraltissimo's avatar
I don't know why your stuff makes me cry so much. Maybe just seeing your strength in objectifying things, giving them a form....

I've been having a very dark winter since November. Little things just started setting me off more and more. I've been fine without medication for years, and now I just find myself crying and crying and crying and pushing people away and being hyper aware of who and what touches me and everything seems to go wrong the harder I try.

But I've been trying to be more blunt and honest and open about it with people; I feel like it helps a little when I talk freely about my feelings and problems instead of hiding them. I joined the Mental-IllnessClub, because I also felt that maybe I could portray my feelings in art as well, and maybe connect with people.

I don't know if I'm bipolar. I don't know what I am. I haven't cared to think about it since years ago when my Mom was calling all the mental health shots for me. But my urges to self-injure have just been so strong lately and I don't know why. I also don't know why I'm telling you this. I just find your pictures.... so beautiful and true. And just strong and honest and real. Yes, problems are there. And what can you do? I guess you can just do your best.

I like that you're smiling in this picture.

Just thank you for drawing. :heart: